February 24th, 2007 - Idiot Express

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Idiot ExpressI’m supposedly a learned man from a school of higher thought
But I pawned off my integrity, and look at what I bought
A ticket for a single seat on a train that won’t progress
I’m just one of many guests on the Idiot ExpressI’m seated next to Alice, who’s life has been obscene
domestic death is what she left by the station’s pop machine
She earned herself a scholarship for total lack of depth
the committee was impressed on the Idiot ExpressMalcontents and martyrs navigate the rails
their inherent sense to trust pretense guides and never fails
as we’re all somebody’s pieces in this twisted game of chess
that’s not something we address on the Idiot ExpressI applied with highest hopes I’d pass their standard test
“Are you stupid and naive?” they asked, and to that I acquiesced
they were satisfied, I got a ride on the Idiot ExpressSo I’ll ride through life with Alice, sedated in our bliss
pathetic, paranoid and proud, we’re thankful to subsist
She spills her juice at dinner, and I drool on my vest
but we’re happy more less, on the Idiot ExpressAll Aboard

1-976-Buy My Love

It’s three a.m. and it’s way before dawn
I’m watchin’ reruns of “Love Boat” with the TV. on
Gopher’s got a girl, Doc’s got a chick
an Captain Stuben’s getten’ lucky in the upper deck

All these Love Boat stories make me wish I had a gal,
I’m half drunk and lonely from an evening at the Caledonia
My solution arrives when a commercial appears
I figure anything will work after thirteen beers

The girl on the screen has love and I know I can win it
she’s waiting to be mine for the bargain price
of just two bucks a minute
1-976 Buy my love, my name is lonely Lisa
and I’m thinking of you now
1-976-Buy my love

So I took a chance, and I called up lonely Lisa
hoping it’d be worth it cause I’m over on my Visa
When she came on the line I was still a nervous wreck
but if they wouldn’t take the Visa I was ready with a check

1-976 Buy my love, my name is lonely Lisa
and I’m thinking of you now
1-976 Buy my love

And then her voice spoke softly, with seductive undertones
and hints of passionate romance when she said:

“$15 charge on all returned checks, restrictions may apply, no
refunds, not responsible for lost or stolen hearts or souls,
calls prohibited in California, Alaska, and parts of New Jersey,
breasts on the TV. screen are not to scale, assembly is required,
batteries not included, some settling may occur during shipping,
check with your Better Business Bureau for liabilities, and
1-976 Buy My Love is not a purveyor of phone sex or a venue for
prostitution, substantial penalty for early withdrawal”
I was dumfounded

Cause My Lisa wouldn’t say that, so I knew it was a trick
I demand an explanation “Who the hell are you chick?”
She said “My name is hefty Marge, and I’m as big as a barge.
see ya later sucker, that’s a fifty dollar charge”.

A click and dial tone was all I heard, followed by a message
saying “You’re a worthless nerd”
1-976 Get a life, your case is truly hopeless
and you’ll never have a wife
1-976 Get a life

Well, I’m a losin’ lover’s martyr, it’s the niche in life I fill
I’ve lived the sad experience I hope you never will
So when Lisa bats her eyes or blinks at you a lash
remember Marge is on the line waitin’ for your cash

1-976 Get a clue, I know you think they want you
but it’s your wallet they screw
1-976 Get a clue
Get a life
Shut it off, turn the channel
or go out and rent a VCR

Giving In

I’m not opposed to giving in
but who’s interest would that be in?
Love’s what compromise is for
as long as half the giving’s yours

I don’t object that you make me wait
stranded in a neutral state
Patience is a virtue, true
but patience has it’s boundaries too

And I don’t mind you hide our love
there’s someone else you must think of
I’ll aid your case to any length
but secrets aren’t the path to strength

and I won’t resist the tender cage
I won’t withdrawal in fear or rage
the greater I survive, the more I am alive

I don’t care if you don’t trust
or think my motives born of lust
Faith can be my gift to you
but gifts must have their limits too

Patience is a virtue, true
but patience has it’s boundaries too

It’s All Just Because

The sun causes cancer and lust causes sin
fashion causes people to fail to fit in
sex causes babies and sleep causes dreams
and chicks cause confusion and low self esteem

Six cause seven and life causes death
smoke causes asthma and shortness of breath
air causes bubbles and leaders cause war
and the truth about after is it cause before

Race cause hate, burgers cause fries
a million dead Iraqis causes national pride
bureaucrats cause poverty and clams causes pearls
and humans cause extinction in the animal world

Beauty causes envy, money causes greed
nature causes everyone to want what they don’t need
deforestation causes deserts to occur
and vanity causes the murder of small endangered animals
so you can wear their fur

We all should try to change it, but nobody does
there isn’t any reason it’s all just because

Schools cause education, and children cause us joy
history causes knowledge than none of us employ
our culture causes apathy and vineyards cause grapes
a country’s intervention causes nations to be raped

We all could make a difference but nobody does
there isn’t any reason it’s all just because

We all should try to change it, but nobody does
there isn’t any reason it’s all just because

The Suffering You Knew

The hallways are empty, the playground is still
but the schoolboy inside me can’t leave here until
I’ve said to some children what’s long overdue
I’m sorry for all of the suffering you knew

Words were our weapons, and pain was our tool
and for no certain reasons we treated you cruel
I guess that I seek your forgiveness because
I’m still so ashamed of the boy that I was

The younger the mind, the weaker the will
I kept searching my peers for a space I could fill
I did what they wanted, took part in their sins
it’s frightening what children will do to fit in

But now we’re all older with kids of our own
and they say names can’t hurt them like stick or like stones
If I only could teach them compassion and truth
cause words hurt the worst in the years of your youth

The hallways are empty, the playground is still
but the schoolboy inside me can’t leave here until
I’ve said to some children what’s long overdue
I’m sorry for all of the suffering you knew

Never Love With You

Thriving on rejection, hungry for the sting
the love that’s wrong is the one I long
and the emptiness it brings

Break away this heart of clay, ignore my silent plea
you’re my vice and I’ll sacrifice
my self identity

You’re what I need in a shallow liar to fuel my fire
and a hollow heart to feed
I’m not alive until I’m deprived
by your selfishness and greed
So lead me on and I’ll be your pawn
you’re the traitor I purse
Sit and laugh when I’m cut in half
if I wait for love that’s true, I’ll never love with you

Lead me into nothingness, guide me to nowhere
strip me clean of my self esteem
take away my will to care

Mock the naked soul I show to you
make me sit and wait
treat me cruel and I’ll be your tool
to syphon off your hate

(Chorus)

I’m on the verge of sorrow, on the edge of true remorse
so push me into torment and let nature takes its course

(Chorus)


The Free United States

There’s no third world or racial hate,
no corruption in the federal state
the patriots are drooling pride,
they’re on the just and righteous side
The water’s clean, the air is pure,
the pension plans are still secure
D.C.’s got our best at hear,
and Dan Quayles’s got a new golf cart

I finally realize how sick it is to slam
someone as beautiful as honest uncle Sam

There’s food on every family’s plate
in the free United States
Justice found the perfect mate
in the free United States

The white house won’t forget the kurds,
there’s more to Bush than prudent words
A thousand points of light are back,
to guide the children in Iraq
No oil is spilled on virgin shores,
no senators solicit whores
Got no place to call your own?
stay in Boschwitz’s summer home

It doesn’t smell when we defecate
in the free United States
There is no jobless rate
in the free United States

I finally realize how sick it is to slam
someone as beautiful as honest uncle Sam

Politicians are our friends, freedom drives Mercedes Benz
Bureaucrats are never wrong, shut your mouth and go along
think with true simplicity, salute in synchronically
sell your love to candidate, straight ticket voter, bait
prostitute your moral laws, the nation is the higher cause
give your soul to Bush and Quayle, democracy haas never failed

It doesn’t smell when we defecate
in the free United States
There’s food on every family’s plate
in the free United States

Puppet office figurehead, hungry people never fed
aids, crack, date rape, Washington’s red tape
Incest, loop holes, bribed judge quick parole
fiscal debt, broken home, Marion Barry real stoned
Sex scandal, air pollution, just say no bad solution
Hubbel space aberration, never was a greater nation
clench the money in your fist, live like enthnocentricists
Grunseth’s pool party, squad cars always tardy
blue collar suicide, General Motors worker’s pride
Desert storm loyal praise, CEO’s bigger raise
education funds are cut, Sharpton is zealot nut
lower class bloody hands, living in the promise land

My country ’tis of thee, sweet land of liberty
God bless America

Love is a Punch in the Throat

Not many people will tell you this,
but the grim Reaper wears a bra,

There’s other ways to quench my carnal lust
than skinny women with their heaving busts
I’ll buy a ferret I’ll live alone
forgetting all the chicks that I’ve ever known
Become a recluse and a misanthrope
live a life completely void of hope
I’ll let my ferret be my means to deal
with all the bullshit women make me feel
Someday I may become a Panjandrum
or perhaps remain an eccentric bum
I’ll cut my ear off and I’ll get your address
to represent for you what I can’t express

All I could give, so much I’d devote
Love’s not a union, it’s a punch in the throat

Am I in love, or is my head in a vice?
Are those your freckles, or do you have lice?
For each emotion that you antiquate,
I’ve got a ferret back home who waits
I’m nescient and I’m love’s neophyte
I’m truly bibulous, I’m bald and I’m white
So what’s so lacking in my self esteem?
Love’s quite pellucid in a bottle of beam
I’ve got my complex and you’ve got your breasts
they’re both related by my therapists’ guess
You make me dizzy and you’re hurting my head
I think I’d rather love my ferret instead

(Chorus)

Who shut the lights off? oh, ferret that’s you
as long as you’re up, could you get me one too
We’ll crank our Leo Kottke and get drunk in the dark
and cover up with palaver where chick left their mark
A ferret’s not a weasel, but a female may be
the two are intertwined when you live like me
I’d visit myself, but I wouldn’t wanna stay
without a ferret there’s no other way

(Chorus)

There’s other ways to quench my carnal lust
than skinny women with their heaving busts
I’ll buy a ferret I’ll live alone
forgetting all the chicks that I’ve ever known

(Chorus)

Workin’ at Burger King

Room for promotions working at Burger King
Room for promotions working at Burger King

Life’s the pits, school’s a drag
I’m a know-it-all but I hate to brag
Mom and dad got on my case
and everybody else crowds my space
quit school, left my home
lookout world I’m on my own
search for work and on TV
I saw my opportunity
Room for promotions working at Burger King

It’s true I wear a polyester uniform
and my manager is just out on parole
but I get my french fries free
and my pop is just half price
and when you’re only making $3.15
that’s pretty nice

I made employee of the week
my self esteem had reached it’s peak
thought I’d ask a raise in pay
I planned the words that I would say
” There’s room for promotions working at Burger King”

My friends can laugh and make their innuendoes
but someday I’m gonna work that drive through window
and if by chance I don’t, don’t laugh or treat me rude
cause if I have the urge to, I cans still spit in your food

The boss refused my raise in pay
I turned my back and walked away
there’s no room, no room
there ain’t no room at all
no room for promotions working at Burger King

So now I’m off and working at McDonald’s
they treat me right I earn $3.65
and the manager is nice to me, he’s never been in jail
but last week he tried to kiss me and the guys call him Gail

Room for promotions working at Mac & Don’s

Goodbye to Me

I’m at the ocean, standing on it’s floor
the sand beneath my feet pins me to it’s shore
I taste the salt filling up my lungs
not half as bitter as my life here had become

After all I’m the one who dies
the one who loses his childhood eyes
I find my closure at the sea
Goodbye to me

I’m floating heavy, sinking half below
six feet from freedom when I let my spirit go
Inside I’m searching for the tunnel filled with light
but only darkness swallows up my fading sight

After all I’m the one who dies
the one who loses his childhood eyes
I find my closure at the sea
Goodbye to me

And they’ll all wished they’d saved me
when I’m dead and gone
they’ll say “how can we go on?”
But no one seems to notice till you’re in the earth
what you precious life was worth

After all I’m the one who dies
the one who loses his childhood eyes
I find my closure at the sea
Goodbye to me

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